Trans

I transitioned 7 years ago

I think the biggest hurdle for me has been the gap between me, and other folk my age. There is something different that I struggle with with most trans folk my age. It seems quite normal for the community to be very binary and sort of "transmed lite". And I can't cope with it. I can't make nice with folk who hold those views.

Before I transitioned, or more accurately, before I accepted that transition was really something I could do, I kept completely and utterly away from queer stuff. I knew nothing about the queer community, I didn't play with presentation or experimentation, I didn't secretly look at trans stories or anything like that.

Still, I had internalised transphobia, I was afraid of the word queer, and I had a very binary understanding of how gender diverse folk work, but once I actually connected with the queer community, especially those younger than me, I saw that it was so much more diverse than I had thought possible. I worked through a lot of the crap I had inherited, and found joy in my queer identity, I found joy and power in the diversity of gender diverse folk. I love that every one of our stories, whilst sharing elements, was completely unique. When asked about their gender, my own kiddo's response is "What the fuck even is gender?" and I just think that is so powerful, because that's what living on our own terms looks like.

Yet, the communities aimed at people of my own generation, are influenced by those who had more exposure to the norms of the queer community of yesteryear, and still hold on to some of those norms. These spaces often struggle with non binary experiences, they can struggle to accept gender diverse folk who don't experience dysphoria, and they can be confused by folk who have pride their queerness. And it makes me feel like the odd one out...

But in terms of my transition itself? Textbook smooth. One of the advantages of transitioning later in life was that I was able to afford access to the medical transition options that I wanted. I ate in to my retirement to do it, but still, I did it. I've had pretty much every transition surgery a trans fem can have. I cis pass these days, but ironically, only because I chased the surgeries I thought I had to have, because that's just what I thought I had to do. Yet one of the interesting impacts of the whole thing, is that now that I do cis pass, I struggle with feeling like I've lost my queerness in some way. I find myself having to talk about being trans, because if I don't, I just end up back in a closet. A different closet to the one I spent most of my life in, but still, a closet. And I've got no fucking time for closets :)