this post was submitted on 24 Feb 2025
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As someone who was in a supportive relationship with a transgender person for 3 years and who personally struggles associating with my own gender (masculinity was never my thing lol), I never really got into the stating my gender pronouns.
I get why it's done for the times it matters and can do so in a sensitive space, but I get the sense it's usually done as public compliance (like a cis neolib as an email sig), which can lead to shallow support or worse, resentment. What we ultimately need is more genuine contact with people different from ourselves because that helps reduce "othering" a group.
Oh, but I do tend to default to "they" out of old internet habits. Always disliked the assumption all gamers are men.
I do think stating pronouns at the beginning of conversations is a bit clunky, but in almost every internet interactions (including email),having a reference to someone's pronouns helps both when they're trans and when it's faceless. Like if someone's has a gender neutral name, it can save confusion between a group message or email chain to be able to refer to them with the right pronouns.
I've heard that use case before, and it's fairly reasonable in a faceless contract. Funny enough, my father is a perfect case study, his name is rather unique and one letter off from a common feminine name so he gets misgendered quite frequently as a cis man (plus, to make matters worse, hes very insecure about his masculinity and is sensitive about being called a sissy because his father abused him).
Thinking on his use case, it might help him to have pronouns at work, but according to him people pick up on his pronouns almost immediately because they hear it from a co-worker in reference to him, there is almost never a completely blind email despite it being a rather large city hall. In other words, only people who misgender him are spam. While pronouns wouldn't have stopped the abuse and bullying growing up, the culture of acceptance behind the trend probably would have.
Ironically, he won't do the pronouns because he's a bit conservative leaning. And his alcoholic, homophobic ass certainly didn't do me any favors when I dated a transgender person.
It makes me uncomfortable to state my personal pronouns. Years of growing up as a woman on the internet makes me not want to reveal my gender, even when it's obvious (like in person).
Sounds like my sister and a good friend of mine, the latter who prefers playing games as a male character to avoid the attention. I totally get where you're coming from on that.
Which is, ironically, what the pronoun-stating thing was supposed to avoid. Personally I agree that it's not really necessary, and that it actually is a form of compelled speech.
I don't do it either, but i'm an older queer so i see it as painting a target on my back.
That, too. Things have regressed, it is definitely a target now.
Ima be honest. I just don’t fuck with pronouns. I’ll typically use they even if I know what their preferred ones are. That or whatever feels better for what I’m talking about.
You are describing intentional misgendering. That's against our instance rules, so make sure you use preferred pronouns for folks who display them.
I always assumed "they" could be used no matter what?
Can using neutral pronouns be misgendering? I was always under the impression that they’re universally applicable regardless of the other person’s gender
Consider the scenario where you meet a man. You know his name is Bradley (either through mutual friends or whatever), but he introduces himself as Alex. You can call him Bradley, and it would be technically correct, but it would be slightly rude when he has explicitly given his preferred name as Alex.
I don't think that's quite right. It's more like referring to him by another title such as "a friend of mine" or "a guy I met at the mall yesterday" etc.
That's a false equivalence. A name is a unique identifier while pronouns serve only a mechanical linguistic purpose.
Yes, if you are aware of someone's preferred pronouns and choose to ignore them.
It's arguably ignoring their preferences, but how is it misgendering? they/them is gender neutral-- it implies nothing about their gender at all.
It does when you only do it for trans people. This is a common thing that a lot if trans people have experienced so it kinda comes across as being "PC" while not acknowledging their identity.
I suppose that's fair. Most people I know who do this do it for cis people as well though.
I would argue calling all they/them is the opposite of misgendering. "They" has no gender. It is neuter.
"Intentional non-gendering" seems sensible and inoffensive. No chance of misgendering anyone.
I have met one person (in real life) who uses she/he pronouns. I asked if I can call her they and she said no. I don't know what to make of this, personally, as I'm unable to understand it, but I do try to abide by her request. I suspect she is an outlier though.
I'm a gender abolitionist philosophically, so I get what you are saying and I would also prefer for everyone to agree to adopt using gender neutral language and be done with it. But we should still respect the preferred pronouns of others, because it isn't up to you or me to force that choice on everyone else. It's not much different from a Republican (for example) refusing to use she/her towards a trans woman. For some folks their pronouns are super important to them, so imo it's just disrespectful not to use them when they are stated.