Doofus. I make carbonaaaaaaaara the authentic Italian way. Pretty much.

I don't use guancale because I can never find it in the store, so I mix it up with Oscar Mayer hotdogs, pepperoni, and some crispy bacon. I don't use eggs because who's got time for that shit, so I mostly use mayonnaise. Bucatini and other fancy pastas are for losers so I sub in some tater tots instead of the pasta. And Pecorino Romano is expensive so I generally use Easy Cheese spray and crushed up Cheetos. I don't add cream, but I do add ketchup which does much the same job. And peas because they give that pop of color and flavor. And obviously some hot sauce because otherwise it's a bit bland. And some pineapple for that Hawaaaiiain/Italian fusion vibe.

But basically it's an authentic carbonaaaaaaaara just like you get in Rome. Oh, I like to hit it with a good old splash of A.1. Sauce because why wouldn't you? I love A.1. Sauce.